


The Secret Life of Death Eaters

by Sharkdiver1980



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/F, F/M, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-26
Updated: 2016-07-26
Packaged: 2018-07-26 23:34:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7594702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sharkdiver1980/pseuds/Sharkdiver1980
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Harry, Ron and Hermione decide to spy on the Death Eaters to find out what it is that they do in Malfoy Manor between raids, they get a little more than they bargained for…Crack!Volmione/Tomione</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Secret Life of Death Eaters

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fun little smutty crack fic that popped into my head, and I had to get it out there into the world. Please note there is smut (Duh) and also mentions of casual drug use. I don’t condone drugs, mmmkay? And honestly, I’ve never done coke (nor do I ever plan to) so I have no idea what it would feel like to do it…so that part is entirely fabricated. Enjoy! Xo

**~~{0}~~**

 

“Ok, remember, we only have one shot at this. Do you remember the plan?” Harry asked Hermione and Ron as they all stood holding a flask of polyjuice potion and their designated Death Eater hair.

“Yes; get in, try not to engage in conversation if possible, keep our eyes and ears open, and then get out before the potion wears off.” Hermione repeated as Harry and Ron both nodded in in agreement.

“Right, well, let’s get this over with.” Ron said as he dropped in the hair and hearing the disturbing fizzing sound it made as it melted into the potion.

Harry and Hermione both followed suit and then Harry raised his flask in mock salute, “Bottoms up.” he said before gulping down the contents.

Ron and Hermione both drank theirs as well and immediately gagged. They all began to convulse and contort as the potion began to take effect, changing their faces and bodies into lower ranking Death eaters. That had been a stroke of brilliance on Harry’s part; he figured if they weren’t members of the inner circle, they could slip amongst the rest unnoticed.

Once the twitching stopped, they looked at each other so that they would know who was who before they slipped inside. The dark mark now sat upon their forearms, and Hermione shivered as she looked at it, being extra careful not to touch it. It made her skin tingle which was a mild irritation, but she was sure that she could ignore it.

“Let’s go.” Harry, now Lansel, said as he stowed his wand into the holster strapped to his arm beneath his robes and clasped hands with Hermione and Ron who were now to be called Hestia and Reginald, and all three disapparated with a crack.

 

~~{0}~~

 

They appeared in the bushes just outside of Malfoy Manor, their Dark Marks allowing them through the wards. It was dark outside, the sun having already set more than two hours ago.

As Harry peeked over the well-manicured shrubbery, Hermione made a face and grabbed ahold of Ron’s arm, “Is that….music?”

Harry strained his ears, and immediately recognized it, “What the…is that _muggle_ music?”

Ron, as usual, was completely lost.

Harry inclined his head to signal Hermione and Ron to follow him. It was time to enter the snake pit.

As they approached the door, Harry raised his fist and rapped sharply, and a moment later, the door was yanked open by a small house elf who looked like it would rather be anywhere else but there. Hermione felt a pang in her chest, and looked at it sympathetically.

“Cut it out. You’re a Death Eater, remember?” Harry whispered furiously into her ear.

Hermione schooled her face into a look of unimpressed boredom as she took the lead walking purposefully into the manor. She followed the loud music until she reached a set of double doors, and wrenched them open just as ‘ _welcome to the Jungle_ ’ by Guns and Roses started playing. The sight that greeted her eyes was enough to make her jaw hit the floor. _This is what the Death Eaters did when they weren’t conducting meetings or out torturing hapless muggles?_

As her eyes swept the room, she felt Harry and Ron step up behind her, and she imagined they were just as shocked as she was. There were Death Eaters clustered around the room in small groups cackling boisterously, and drinking heavily. Some were even snogging on assorted pieces of furniture, which caused Hermione to blush. Towards the back of the room, there was a stage with a stripper pole, and to her utter shock, Bellatrix was half naked twirling around it to the music.

_The Death Eaters apparently knew how to party._

“Wicked.” She heard Ron whisper beside her and she elbowed him in the stomach.

“Hestia…you made it after all” an unknown death eater said as he approached her and saw that she was still staring at Bellatrix on the stage

“How much money do I have to pay to get _you_ up on that stage tonight?” He said wagging his eyebrows at her suggestively. Hermione was completely mortified, but instead, remembering that she was supposed to be a Death Eater, and that Death Eaters were all hedonists apparently, she put on her most seductive smile and said, “That depends, how much have you got?”

The Death Eater laughed at her comment, and pulled Ten Galleons from his pocket. Hermione just made a face to look offended, and he pulled another Ten Galleons from the other pocket. Without skipping a beat, Hermione grabbed the twenty galleons and leaned towards him saying, “For that, I’ll consider it.” And she smirked and walked further into the room, waiting for Harry and Ron to stop gaping and follow her in. A moment later, they seemed to also remember themselves and followed after her.

As she weaved her way through the crowd of bodies, towards the bar, yes there was an actual bar in Malfoy Manor, she was handed a glass of Absinthe. She had never been much of a drinker, but she knew if she didn’t at least have a drink in her hand, she’d stand out like a sore thumb. She took the glass, and was relieved when Harry and Ron followed suit. There was only one problem. She had no clue how to drink Absinthe. She eyed the metal spoon that sat atop her glass holding the sugar cube, and wondered if she should eat the sugar cube then drink the liquor like it was a shot, or if she should crush up the cube and mix it in, or what. She let her eyes roam over the room, and she spotted a group of people drinking it, and she watched as one of them slowly and carefully poured what appeared to be water from a pitcher over the spoon holding the sugar cube, allowing it to melt and drip into the glass. She turned her head, and saw a pitcher next to her on the bar, and she caught Harry and Ron’s attention so that they could watch her and do the same.

She didn’t know what she had been expecting, but to be honest, this drink was quite good. It was strong, of course, but it had a unique flavor, and the sweetness from the sugar took the bitterness away almost entirely.

“Lansel, Reginald, Hestia, Glad you could make it. It pleases the Dark Lord to see so many of his loyal followers attending his parties.” Lucius Malfoy said as he slithered up beside them. Hermione felt her skin crawl at the look he was giving her, making no effort to hide the fact that he was looking at her breasts.

_Men_.

“We appreciate the invitation, Lucius.” Hermione said politely lifting her drink towards him graciously. Really, she wanted to throw it in his face, but, she had a role to play.

“Yes, well, I do hope that you enjoy yourselves. Maybe we could all look forward to your talents on stage, Hestia?” Lucius smirked looking at her lecherously. Seriously, she had to be only a few years older than Draco, and he was still giving her the ‘ _fuck me’_ eyes.

“Oh, I couldn’t…It looks like Bella is doing a fine job already.” Hermione said shyly hoping these perverts would cease and desist.

“As… _uninhibited_ as Bella may be, I am quite sure I speak for all of the men in this room when I say that you would be much more _entertaining_ to watch, my dear.” Lucius said leaning rather close to her and grabbing a glass of Absinthe from the bar behind her.

“Ah, my wife is calling me, please excuse me.” Lucius finally said causing Hermione to breathe a sigh of relief.

Hestia turned towards Harry and Ron and glared as if to say, _don’t you dare say a fucking word_.

She finished her glass of Absinthe, feeling a pleasant tingling in her head, and her eyes swept over the room taking in the scene. A new song was playing now, _‘The Dope Show’_ by Marilyn Manson. She leaned casually against the bar hoping that she looked aloof.

_Oh shit._ Draco Malfoy was coming towards them now.

“Lansel, Reginald, we’re just starting a new Poker game and we need two more people, are you in?” Draco drawled looking bored. He then glanced over at Hestia, and smirked.

“Maybe I can get a lap dance later.” He said smirking at her.

Hermione had to force her arm to remain at her side, she remembered all too well the feeling of her fist connecting with his nose, and how satisfying it had been.

Harry looked quickly at her, then at Ron, and shook his head and gestured for Draco to lead the way.

Great. They’d left her alone. To make matters even worse, Wormtail was now headed directly towards her looking at her in a way that made her want to vomit.

“Ah…Miss Smith. You are looking particularly… _delectable_. The Dark Lord has requested that you join him this evening.”

Hestia’s eyes widened.

_Fuck._

She may be able to keep up the charade and fool a bunch of clearly smashed Death Eaters, but pulling one over on the Dark Lord was another matter entirely.

“Oh, um…I’m flattered.” She said lamely trying desperately to come up with an excuse as to why she couldn’t. Unfortunately, the Dark Lord wouldn’t take no for an answer.

Wormtail continued to leer at her, but finally turned sharply indicating that she should follow him. She weaved her way past the dance floor where Death Eaters were dancing wildly, some looking like they were actually having sex. _Oh dear_.

Then her eyes fell on him.

He was sat in the center of a plush expensive looking sofa flanked by someone who had to be one of the Blacks judging by his resemblance to Bellatrix and Sirius. On his left sat Lucius Malfoy with Narcissa perched on his lap. Her mouth fell open as she watched him lean forward and snort a line of white powder through a five hundred dollar bill.

He sat up abruptly sniffing and closing his crimson eyes as look of pure bliss spread over his face.

“My Lord, I have returned with Miss Smith.” Wormtail said nervously clearing his throat.

“Ah Hestia. Come.” He said leveling his gaze at her.

Her breath hitched and her heart was pounding in her chest as she took a few steps towards him, noticing the way the two men beside him raked her body with their eyes.

It didn’t escape her notice that there was currently nowhere to sit on the sofa.

She looked at him helplessly wondering what it was that he wanted her to do.

He seemed to understand her hesitation, and then patted his lap.

_Oh my god._

She had to make a supreme effort not to react, and taking a deep breath, she stepped forward awkwardly around the coffee table that sat in front of them, and perched herself on his leg, much like Narcissa had done to Lucius.

She saw the corner of his lips draw up in a smirk, and she felt his hand land on the small of her back. She had to stop herself from shivering at his touch. He then gestured to the white lines on the coffee table and raised an eyebrow at her. She had never done drugs in her life. Drugs were bad. She had that hammered into her brain by her parents. When you do drugs you end up giving blow jobs in a fast food parking lot for money, and she certainly had no intention of doing that.

“Oh, I couldn’t.” Hermione said placing her hand on her chest, hoping that the look on her face came off as shy and not horrified.

Voldemort blinked and laughed at her, “Oh, but I insist.” He said smirking at her wickedly.

“I’ve never…I don’t…” she floundered with her words.

“It’s just Cocaine. Wizards can’t get addicted to muggle drugs, surely you knew that?” He said raising an eyebrow at her.

Oh. Well in that case…

“How do I…?” she asked uncertainly gesturing towards the white powder on the table.

He snapped his fingers at Lucius who pulled out another five hundred dollar bill and handed it to him. She watched as he expertly rolled it up in his fingers to form a small tube. She didn’t even want to know where they had managed to get ahold of muggle money and drugs.

“Place this to your nose and sniff it up. It feels fucking fantastic.” He said handing her the rolled up bill.

Hermione took the rolled up bill between her fingers and glanced up at him one more time. Surely, trying it one time wouldn’t hurt, right?

Hermione leaned forward on his lap, sure he was staring at her ass, and she quickly sniffed one line of the white powder from the table. At first, it burned her sinuses, and then…absolute euphoria. She felt her heart rate speed up, and she leaned back on his lap with her eyes closed and she actually _moaned_ at the feeling of utter pleasure that was coursing through her. It felt like an orgasm, except without the twitching and the mess. She could see why people gave blow jobs in McDonald’s parking lots for this.

As she opened her eyes and looked at him, she noticed his eyes had gone dark; they were such a deep crimson now, they almost looked black.

“Tell me, Hestia, have you ever kissed a woman before?” He asked, his voice sounding more husky than it had moments ago, his hand gliding over her hip. At some point, someone must have gotten her another drink, because she was lifting it to her lips.

“I…no, I haven’t.” Hermione said feeling her cheeks flush.

“Well, there’s a first time for everything, I suppose” Narcissa said seductively from behind her trailing a manicured fingernail over Hermione’s shoulder blade.

She looked back at Voldemort questioningly, and she could tell that he very much wanted her to do it. She turned in his lap, hearing him suck in a breath as she bit her lip nervously, and took another large sip of her drink before she leaned ever so slightly towards Narcissa. Narcissa leaned in the rest of the way and captured Hermione’s lips with her own, snaking her tongue in her mouth. Hermione wasn’t the most experienced girl, but she had been kissed before. It felt different kissing another woman, though she supposed the mechanics were the same. As Narcissa’s tongue slid over hers, and her teeth nipped at her lower lip, she felt warmth spreading through her and a throbbing begin between her legs. She blushed, realizing that it was turning her on. She felt a long fingered hand slide over her stomach and down over her thighs dipping between her legs which only made it worse. She gasped into Narcissa’s mouth when she felt a finger trace over her knickers, which were already embarrassingly damp. Somewhere behind her she heard a groan. Finally, Narcissa pulled away, and was quickly turned towards Lucius as she turned to straddle his lap and grind against him as he kissed her hungrily.

He heart was still pounding in her chest, and she felt a bead of sweat run down her back as she slowly glanced back at Voldemort. He smirked at her and she noticed his hand was still under her skirt tracing small circles over her knickers.

“I want you to dance for me.” He said gazing at her like a snake ready to strike.

She swallowed thickly, and flicked her eyes up towards the stage.

“Up…up there?” She asked, her voice coming out almost as a squeak.

“Yes.” He said gripping her hip tighter with his other hand.

Hermione didn’t have much of a choice, and she downed the rest of her drink, thankfully feeling a pleasant tingling over her skin as she stood shakily from his lap and walked over to the stage and grasped the pole, waiting for the next song to begin. She closed her eyes and swayed her hips in what she hoped was a seductive motion as the rhythmic beat of ‘ _Closer_ ’ by Nail Inch Nails thrummed through the room.

_You let me violate you…_

Hermione grasped the pole with her arm extended and twirled herself around it

_You let me desecrate you…_

She let her hands fall over her breasts and slid them down over her stomach as she bit her lip.

_You let me penetrate you…_

Her hands continued south until they ran along her thighs.

_You let me complicate you…_

She turned her back to the crowd arching her back and rolling her hips

_Help me…I’ve broke apart my insides…_

She turned to face the front again, sliding the thin straps of her dress over her shoulders..

_Help me…I’ve got no soul to sell…_

Here, she looked directly at Voldemort meeting his eyes and he smirked. _The_ _Bastard._

_The only thing that works for me…_

She slowly slid the dress off leaving her in a black bra, black panties, and a garter belt with black thigh highs and matching heels. There was a few wolf whistles from the crowd, and she was pretty sure one of them was Ron. _Oh Lord._

_Help me get away from myself…_

She grasped the pole again, arching against it and then sharply pulling herself back up against it

_I want to fuck you like an animal…_

She leaned back against the pole and slid down it spreading her legs and running a hand over the front of her nickers with her head back

_I want to feel you from the inside…_

She continued her strip tease, releasing one garter, and then the other, and then removing one stocking at a time.

She was so caught up in the dance, partially comforted by the fact that it wasn’t truly _her_ body that they were seeing, that she neglected to notice the tell-tale tingle on her skin signaling that the polyjuice potion was beginning to wear off, due to the amount of alcohol she had consumed.

It wasn’t until she heard the collective sharp intake of breath that she opened her eyes, and realized she was standing before an entire room full of Death Eaters and Voldemort, practically naked and clearly, they were seeing Hermione Granger not Hestia Smith.

From somewhere across the room, she heard Ron’s voice say, “ _Bloody Hell_.”

Her eyes snapped to Voldemort’s, and where she expected to see rage and disgust, the smirk he had been wearing widened into a wicked smile.

She cleared her throat, the Death Eaters still sitting staring at her in shocked silence as she bent to grab her clothes and hurry off the stage.

Voldemort stood then, and his voice carried through the room, “Not so fast, Miss Granger….”

_Fuck._

She saw him lean towards Lucius and whisper something into his ear, and watched as he sneered at whatever it was that Voldemort had said.

She watched in horror as Harry and Ron were shepherded out of the room, probably to a holding cell somewhere in the manor. This had been a _royally bad idea_.

Two Death Eaters she didn’t recognize grabbed her and hauled her off of the stage and rather than take her to a dungeon, or a cellar, or somewhere equally unsavory to be tortured, they instead led her upstairs to what appeared to be an opulent master suite. They opened the doors, and shoved her roughly into the room and she tripped falling backwards onto the large king size bed. At least it was incredibly soft…

As soon as the doors slammed shut, she jumped up and ran to the armoire looking desperately for something to cover herself with. She was Topless, wearing only a pair of black knickers and black high heels. She didn’t know what they were planning to do to her, but she really preferred not to be naked when it happened. She wrenched open the armoire, and she sucked in a breath when she was it was filled with black silk robes. _Voldemort’s robes_. This was his bedroom. She found one of his black button down dress shirts, and threw it on to cover herself. It was big on her, and fell to her mid thighs. Not seeing any way to escape, she sat on the edge of the bed leaning back on her arms with her legs crossed.

A few moments later, the door banged open, and Voldemort stood looking down at her and sucked in a breath when he saw she was wearing one of his shirts and practically nothing else. His eyes fell on her heels and made their way up her long legs until they finally met her eyes.

She was afraid, but he could see a look of defiance in her eyes as well.

“You can imagine my surprise to find that the three of you decided to crash my party quite uninvited.”

Hermione cleared her throat ready to give some lame excuse when he continued over her not to be interrupted, “However, I find this turn of events _pleases me_.”

Hermione continued to boldly hold his gaze, “What will you do to Harry and Ron?” She asked trying to keep the quiver out of her voice.

“Well, _Hermione_ , that all depends on you…” He said the corner of his lips curving up into a smirk

Her eyes widened, what was that supposed to mean?

“Pardon?” she asked

“You see, being a Dark Lord makes me quite…tense.”

Hermione balked. He wasn’t expecting her to…no way.

“I um…I don’t….” she stuttered not able to make herself say out loud what he apparently wanted her to do.

He noted the look of horror on her face, and chuckled.

“Forgive me, I wear this glamour so often that I sometimes forget to remove it in a more private setting.” He said as he waved his hand over his face revealing thick silky raven hair, dark eyes, full lips, a chiseled jaw and straight white teeth.

Hermione’s mouth fell open as she stared at him. The nose-less snake face had been a glamour? _Merlin’s Saggy Balls._ Voldemort was _HOT_. She rubbed her thighs together unconsciously, and forced herself to close her mouth.

“Truthfully, I still can’t make up my mind on whether I should fuck you or kill you…” He said as he traced a long finger along her leg to where the bottom of his shirt reached the tops of her thighs.

Emboldened by this new hot Voldemort, and the fact that he seems to be just as attracted to her as she is to him, she leans towards him brushing her lips against his hesitantly. He doesn’t push her away, so she deepens the kiss, feeling desire course through her as she feels his tongue slide into her mouth. His hands slide up to her waist, and she tangles her hands into his hair as he pulls her onto his lap so that she is straddling him on the edge of his bed. When he groans and rolls his hips against hers she lets out a gasp when she feels how hard he is. She feels him smile against her lips, evidently pleased with her reaction.

“You look sexy wearing my shirt” he mumbled against her lips as he began to unfasten the buttons one by one, “However, I would much prefer to see you out of it.”

Her fingers began to undo the buttons of his robe exposing the pale expanse of his chest, until it was shoved aside leaving him only in a pair of black pants and his belt. His mouth broke away from hers to trail kisses over her jaw and down her neck as he cupped her breasts with his hands, brushing his thumbs over her nipples.

Hermione could feel his hardness through his pants and it was pressing insistently against her already damp knickers. He thrust his hips against hers shamelessly and she moaned at the delicious friction is created against her clit. She began to rock against him, her hands still tangled in his hair as he licked and sucked on her breasts. It occurred to her that she was enjoying this far more than she should; he was the enemy, and if he hadn’t been in such a well… _horny_ mood, he probably would’ve killed her already. She was ashamed to admit to herself that it only added to the excitement. It was like the thrill of doing something dangerous, knowing you could die at any moment. One thing she knew for certain, Ron had never made her feel like _this_.

“I need…Oh God that feels so good…oh yes…right there…” she panted as he rolled his hips into her and kissed her languidly. This felt amazing, but she needed _more_ …

“Are you ready for me, Hermione?” he mumbled seductively against her lips.

“Yes…please…Oh God I need….I want you inside me….” She rambled biting her lip feeling like she was standing on the edge of a precipice.

He flipped them over onto his bed so that she was lying beneath him and he leaned back from her, smirking when he heard her whimper at the loss of contact. Her lips were swollen from his kisses and her eyes were hooded and gazing at him filled with lust. He honestly didn’t give two shits that she was a mudblood at the moment, she looked so unbelievably fuckable looking up at him like that.

He pulled her knickers off roughly, and she moaned. The sound was like a homing beacon that shot straight to his cock.

“You are so wet for me…” he practically groaned as he moved his hands down to his belt pulling it off with a quick motion and tossing it aside like a whip. Before he could do anything else, her fingers were already unfastening his pants and tugging them down over his hips. He leaned forward again, capturing her mouth again with his, as he wrapped her legs around his waist feeling his cock against her entrance. He thrust into her hard, feeling her nails dig into his biceps where she had been holding onto him, and he hissed in pleasure as he felt her hot and tight around him. He began to rock into her, sliding in deeper with each thrust. The little mewling cries and moans she was making every time he thrust into her was making him even harder if that was possible. If she kept that up, he wasn’t going to last long. He couldn’t remember ever being this turned on in his life…maybe it was because he knew that she was aware that he wanted to kill her, but she craved his touch anyway. He didn’t know, but whatever it was, made him feel like a randy teenager all over again.

“Fuck, I’m going to come…” he groaned as he thrust into her harder and faster feeling her walls clamp down on him as she came hard around him, letting out a strangled sob as she shuddered against him. When he felt her lose control, it pushed him over the edge, and he came hard inside her, hissing in Parseltongue.

He knew the sex was good when it made him speak another language.

He rolled off of her onto his back beside her breathing heavily and looking at her. He couldn’t help the goofy grin that formed on his lips as he thought about how shamelessly wanton the prim and proper Hermione Granger had just been in his bed. he loved corrupting the innocent.

As her breathing slowed into a more regular rhythm, she met his eyes and turned to face him, tracing a fingertip over his chest.

“So what happens now?” she questioned the reality of the situation beginning to seep back into her brain now that the fog of lust was lifted.

“Well, in light of recent events…” he began

“You and I fucking, you mean.” Hermione clarified.

“If you want to get technical about it, then yes.” He said as she smirked at him.

“I can’t let you just waltz out of here, you know.” He said looking at her, his expression looking conflicted.

Hermione nodded, she knew that his followers were expecting him to kill her, and she took a deep breath.

“However, I would be foolish to kill anyone who can make me come so hard that I speak another language.” He said pinching the bridge of his nose. Hermione snorted unable to contain her laughter at his words.

He glared at her, “Don’t press your luck.”

She was still chuckling, “I’m sorry, I’m not laughing at you, it’s just what you said was funny. So is that what all the hissing was about?”

“Yes, it was Parseltongue. It happens sometimes.” He said dismissively.

“Well, If it makes you feel any better, I came so hard I almost blacked out.” Hermione admitted and he laughed hard at that.

“It would be foolish on both our parts to deny ourselves that kind of pleasure, don’t you think?” he said as he traced a pattern over a small cluster of freckles on her collarbone.

“So what do you have in mind then?” She asked propping herself up on her elbow.

“Well, Polyjuice, as you so clearly learned tonight, is unpredictable at best, however, the glamour I use for my public appearance can be removed at will, and last as long as I want it to. You could use a glamour to look like someone else entirely, even in public, no one would know that we are together.” He said tapping his forefinger on his chin.

“So you want me to use a glamour, and what? Just waltz right in to Malfoy Manor so that you can fuck me? is that it?” She asked incredulously.

“What else do you want?” He asked in bewilderment. Wasn’t getting shagged by him enough?

She laughed, “I want the same courtesy.”

His eyes widened.

“You want me to glamour myself, stroll into Order headquarters, and fuck you right under Albus Dumbledore’s nose?” He asked in disbelief, and then a wicked smirk began to form at the edge of his lips. He felt himself growing hard again at the thought.

He swooped in to kiss her again, but she stopped his mouth with her finger, “Not so fast…”

 “I don’t want to be treated like some whore. I want you to take me on a proper date.” She said in a bossy tone.

He pulled back, feeling as if someone had doused him with cold water, “What?”

“My mother always said, ‘ _why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free’_?” Hermione said as if that explained everything.

“What the hell does that even mean?” he asked looking down at her

“It means, that I’m not just going fuck you whenever you want, no strings attached. If you want me, I need some sort of commitment.”

_Bloody hell._

“I’m not exactly boyfriend material, Hermione.” He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Not only did that sound ridiculous, he didn’t have the first clue about stuff like this. Fucking he could do, _and do well, apparently_ , but dating? That was so not within his skill set.

She laughed again, “I know, and honestly, I wouldn’t think of you like that, but rather as a lover who I am exclusively sleeping with, and who is exclusively sleeping only with me.” She explained.

Since he now knew how mind blowing the sex was with her, he had no desire to be with anyone else. Her request was certainly not unreasonable, “That’s it then? That’s all you want?” he asked feeling a bit of relief. He would have had an aneurism if she said she wanted to get married. He shuddered at the thought.

“And the occasional dinner date. If you want me to put out, you should at least feed me first.” She said like she was stating the obvious. Maybe she was, he was really just that clueless when it came to social etiquette.

He sighed and thought back to how amazing that orgasm was.

“Done.”

Hermione smirked.

“What about Harry and Ron? Will you let them go?” She asked

“Hermione…that wasn’t part of the deal.” He said looking down at her and trapping her hands above her head as he kissed her neck.

“If you don’t let them go, no more Parseltongue orgasms for you.” she said flatly.

“I’m not about to risk mutiny over an amazing orgasm.” He said.

Hermione just lifted her eyebrow in response.

“What did you have in mind?” he sighed.

“Send Dobby in. He can sneak in and apparate them out, and then you can punish your Death Eaters in the face of their incompetence, _once again_.” Hermione said shrugging her shoulders like it was no big deal.

God, she was so devious, and no one ever suspected her. A wicked smile curved at the edges of his mouth.

“I think I’m falling in love with you.” He said chuckling as he leaned in to kiss her

She scoffed, “That was fast. What would you do if I took you in my mouth?” she said with an evil smirk, arching an eyebrow at him.

He sucked in a breath, feeling himself harden again at the thought, “I’d marry you.”

 

 


End file.
